The Tale Story From FredFozol

i guess this is the time for me to give up. got a pisses of emotion and few sharing dream that wont be happen again. so i wonder how does world without fawzul anymore…

dear my friends, i dont have much friends i can carry along together with me in this life. u guys have been a great and super great friends of mine. can tolerate with my attitude and words. somehow, i never appreciate u guys at the right place. but i still feel i am a good friends of u guys as well. i try to stand till now as a great friend but im totally weak and loosing my direction.

dear family, we are not a big family. too basic and small. yes i grew up with lot of lesson and potrait that family are great. but just remember, we are still human and we make mistake. so if thing didnt work well as a family just remember, we are human being and nothing much we could do.

dear love one, its been a great year for me and i hope for u also. its always a good memory that i carry together even at some difficult time, i always wondering bout others bad things. nothing much i can do. i just do my best. but i want to end up my life with a good memory that we have together.

some people dont have choice to have picture or moment to see before closing their eyes for last time. they didnt expect they will die so they didnt prepare. i think i can prepared myself and die soon. i have a fantastic journey since i meet someone that i think i really fall in love. so i want to die slowly far from everyone that know me and with the good memory i have with my love….

p/s: how does world look like without fawzul? nothing…so better i go soon..

Few days ago, i have been through the most difficult and hard time ever in my life. dealing with a person called human. battling in human relationship that i have no idea what to called. friends, partner, exclusive love, long distance, or anything else that a human can put the label on it.

i never realised the problem was haunted me for almost a year now. it was totally 100% my mistake that i cant handle the different between two concept of relationship for human with my minimal ability. i feel threaten by a third person that time and till now. i felt insecured in relationship that two person trying to build and most off all i never felt satisfied with what i have from the human can provide me. yes i am too demanding in relationship as well. after all, i lost myself, career, financial planning, friends, ambition and my self.

this few days are the climax for all. i changed myself so crazy, mad, and acting beyond my normal human action expectation. the most unforgiven thing that i made. i put a stress on someone that i really care and love by torturing myself. with full of regard from the bottom of my broken, i have to seek the forgiveness, took the responsibility and stand back as a better person.

p/s: a word for me…

You are going to be ok. i just know it. i cant say when or how or whats goin to make better. but it will get better. how do i know?

because i know you, and i know how strong you are, how beautiful in soul, how persevering in spirit. i know the you thats has come through difficult time in the past.

the you who will be your strong, shining self in not some too distance future you are going to be okay.

you’re going to be the who you has come through yet another challenge and is all stronger the stronger for it.

how do i know? because i know you…

Something education thing to share with my readers. (Do I grammar correctly? Hehehe)

This only can be applicant for Indian or Ceylonese tea.

1. Use a teapot, preferably made of china or earthenware.

2. Warm the pot (using direct heat is better then swilling with hot water)

3. Tea should be strong – six heaped teaspoons of leaves per litre.

4. The leaves should be loose in the pot, allowing them to circulate.

5. Take the pot to the kettle. The water should be boiling on contact.

6. Stir the pot or “give it a good shake”

7. Drink out of a tall mug, not the flat, shallow type of cup.

8. Don’t use creamy milk, go for skimmed or semi skimmed

9. Tea first then milk not other way around

Overwell also saw those who. Added sugar as misguided, unless one is drinking it in russian style!

P/s: opsss did I just put “saw”? Hehehe

i had a plan for my travel project another 5 years from now. round the world. as u can see at one page in this blog. but somehow this morning i wake up and read about silk road and feel like so interested doing the silk road trip rather then travel around the world in 5 years from now.

should i do 5 years from now, silk road and another 10 years from now for round the world? hahaha…

totally wasting time thinking a lot bout problem that stand and surround me. phew… luckily im not working 9-5 as usual. so I have plenty of time to think, figure it and solve it! sometimes shortcut is the best way to run out, but does the problem will be solved and remain silent after that? phew… another phew again!

try and keep trying to be the best person for everyone, all i can do just listen to music, see my photo album that can moticate me and do a lot lots of readings. “We Never Give Up”  having dinner yesterday with zha and fad. was really sad when fad told me how does his relationship with zha right now.  same act different cast. phew… all the best for u fad. be strong u will get thru this!

i keep singing and singing untill i feel its time for me to sleep. somehow “music can heal everything” and i was totally felt better after listen to music.

Dear Allah,

I knew this is not the way i should live my life. but somehow, I feel happy and better with this. there’s so much sin i have made and i always bear in my mind it was wrong. so please forgive me. please let me be a strong person mentally and emotionally and get thru all this pain. please please make me strong to wake up every morning and solved all problem surround me.

Dear J, thank you so much for being there with me. i feel this is the worse moment in my life and im so lucky to have you stand beside me, be a shoulder for me, place for me to run and cry, a bowl to listen all my worries and sadness. thank you so much for always being there for me. thank you.

Mari kita tolong dia! semua idea dan cadangan tidak akan dipublishedkan melainkan jika kalian berkehendak saya lakukan.

Surat 1

Hi F,

saya sudah menjalinkan hubungan dengan someone almost setahun dah. kami pernah break up tetapi sehingga kini saya kami masih seperti biasa. kadang2 kami seakan kembali seperti sepasang kekasih tapi bila emosi si dia berubah, kami bergaduh dan seakan kami breakup. saya keliru.

kami menjalinkan hubungan jarak jauh yakni KL dan KK. apa yang bole saya katakan disini, hubungan ini bukanlah hubungan eksklusif, saya tidak memiliki dia sepenuhnya. kami bukan seperti pasangan kekasih yang lain. tidak sama sekali. si dia jarang berkongsi kisah dia kepada saya, dan perkara ini membuat saya seakan buntu untuk berborak dengan dia. saya rasa cemburu pada rakan2nya yang lain. si dia bole berkongsi segalanya dengan mereka termasuklah siapa yang dia temui dan tiduri. oh maafkan saya F, saya lupa untuk maklumkan, si dia bukanlah seorang yang mengamalkan hubungan monogami. dia meniduri orang lain dan mungkin berpacaran dengan orang lain.

saya pernah terfikir untuk meninggalkan dia dan membina hidup yang baru. tetapi saya tidak mampu, sata tidak mampu untuk berhenti menyanygi dan menyintai dia. terlalu banyak perkara dan aktiviti yang akan membuatkan saya teringat pada dia.

oh F, si dia pernah bagi tahu saya sehinggalah beberapa hari yang lalu, hubungan jarak jauh adalah susah dan sukar bagi saya. saya ingin menangis pada waktu itu tetapi saya menahan perasaan itu, saya persoalkan balik pada diri saya,apa salah saya? saya telah berusaha keras demi mempertahankan hubungan ini, saya berkongsi segalanya dengan dia, saya bersikap terbuka dan tidak merahsiakan dari dia segalanya. tetapi si dia bertentangan. perahsia, dingin, dan tertutup pada saya dengan alasan, demi kebaikan saya. katanya lebih baik saya tidak tahu kerana saya akan terluka dan mengamuk kelak. adakah salah saya F bila insan yang saya cintai menjalinkan hubungan intim dengan orang lain dan mengabaikan saya?

sehingga kini saya cuba berfikiran positif dan menelan segala kepahitan ini. terus terang saya berharap dia dapat memahami saya dan mengerti apa yang saya cuba lakukan. hubungan jarak jauh menuntut banyak pengorbanan. katanya, kami akan punya banyak masa sendiri melalui hubungan jarak jauh. saya diam, ingin saya kata pada dia, memang sebegitu tetapi orang lain yang di dalam hubungan jarak jauh tidak merahsiakan apa perkara antara satu sama lain dan mereka bersikap keterbukaan antara satu sama lain.

F, saya merasakan dia tidak lagi menyintai saya dan saya tiada lagi ruang di hati dia. memang saya berasa amat sedih. tetapi saya tetap terus berusaha dan tidak menyerah kalah. adakah tindakan saya ini betul? f, tolonglah saya.. bantulah saya… apa yang seharusnya saya lakukan?… tolong saya….

Yang Benar,

Budak Jarak Jauh Dalam Dilema

Hello there!

Happy 2010 year!!! hahah too late maybe but its fine. well im totally get surprised when i see how many people visiting my blog recently when i was away about almost 3 weeks! the minimum visitor for per day are, 6 person! wow its totally impress me compare then when i regularly blogging at here. hehehe

well, how was your new year? i hope u get the best new year celebration ever have. well im totally happy with my new year celebration. lot to share with you guys from my paris trip but unfortunately im totally busy and out of mood to wrote here about my whole paris trip. all i can say, i learn a lot to loose something. hehehe

my new years celebration start with style and class and so relaxed. a good friend fly from spain just to visit me after i cant make my spain trip. totally put my tears down. one down one come. so both of us joining his friend from sri lanka. well we visit a movie museum at the evening of 31st. then hi tea. and do walk at river after that. arghhh totally nice moment. lot of chat and laugh. then we went for nice dinner. a french style dinner. yest french dinner not 3 course meal but 4! yes 4! its a cheese added course. after that we climb the eifiel tower to celebrate its 120 years celebration. going down and start countdown!!! having an arab sandwich after that before went for club!!! yes the party are awesome and i will always remember that especially having a nice friend surround me, thank you so much.

now im back at KL. yes the city that i always missed so much. today i felt something with J. i dont know but somehow i felt something going wrong between us. does my mind totally tired or J doesn’t have any feeling in this relationship anymore. J might not happy. yes J not happy anymore from the beginning. It was my mistake. i have to take this blame and fix it. I would love to give J a happy life and i know i should bring down mine to make J happy.

i was down when i see few people come with their new years resolution and i look at my 101 resolution to completed in how many days? well im totally lost count bout and maybe im totally ignore about it anymore. J use to say will help me to accomplished my 101 resolution so i hope J will be there. Or i should be strong and do it alone? dont know…

i have few fast catch up with friends before get busy this weekend. having lunch with kc and totally thanks him for his help when i have an emergency at Paris. thank you so much Kc. im totally lucky to have you beside me all the time. well somehow i always question myself, what was happen on us last time?why we never cant make for it?but now we totally become so closed for each other. and yes i am happy with what we have today! heheh here again thanks Kc!

dont know what to do for this few days? should i start job hunting now? or just be relax sort few things first then look for a good job? again i know i will trap with myself between money and what i love to do! hahaha

bank call me telling that my car loan totally approved and all i can do now waiting for my new car arrived from korea (thats what my car dealer told me) and im totally having a new room now! yes yes yes as few people concern of me, im totally crazy! without a job and money how i can survive! all i can say is, dont worry! heheheh i know how to handle this. hehehehe just wish me best of luck! insya-allah i can survive. mata dah ngantuk and i have breakfast besok with myfriends at pavi. argh so syiok this holiday.

hugs and kisses

clock clock 1:26am. im still awake with my wide eye and i am starving! i go to kitchen and found few dinner left on cabinet. i ate them all and closed all the temptation with cheese cake. what is that! i am sure its a problem with my hormone.  yes after i did a stupid mistake again! hell yes what is wrong with me? hello fred fred! wakeup!!! i 7 days from now u going to open ur eyes at Paris!!! what the hell so wrong with you now?

well all i could say is, im not moving on and still at here waiting and counting include cross a finger and hoping for a miracle happen. yes i miss all the  old memory happen with me and between you. i miss all the nice and sweet hugs and kisses words include l.o.v.e to me. yes i miss it hell so much! (wow so much hell words) all the times was between me and you. the memory. im still living my life like that. hahaha… just a free speech here. i ate and keep eating right now. yes food is there and a good company for me. gain weight? yes i will. sad with my life? yes i am. life should up and go up not like this. but never mind i still have you with me and i should thanks for that.

my morning start with a breakfast with kay. well since i only have 4 days left yes my flight schedule stat i should have 7 days left but i would like to spend my time with full of quality end my 2009 year at malaysia with a good memory between me and you. stupid? yes i am. well i told kay what i am doing now and just a sweet smile from him as i expected. he know what is the best for me and he get used with that. thanks for the breakfast and nice talk. oh yes, i pop up an opinion from him bout this “Do we need an emotional retirement plan” kay told me why dont i wrote about “Do we need a relationship retirement plan” and yes i am totally agree with that.  smile fred fred.

hugs and kisses.

p/s; as we finished the phone call i just realize, im still not over you…

i am so tired so i couldnt get my sleep. too tired and cant sleep. weird! hahahathere are two thing i want wrote as my blog, i decide what you could read below as my post for today and i keep another one ( Do We Need An Emotional Retirement?) for next post perhaps.

it was noon when this song suddenly appear from my radio. i was shock. i like so much with this song, let me share the lyrics, i like Ronan Keating feat Cat Steven/Yusof Islam version. kinda like a son and father conversation well the song are, Father and son! hehehe ;

FATHER AND SON

Father:
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy,
To be calm when you’ve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you’ve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Son:
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It’s always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father:
It’s not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You’re still young, that’s your fault,
There’s so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy.
(son– away away away, I know I have to Make this decision alone – no)
Son:
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them you know not me.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father– stay stay stay, why must you go and Make this decision alone? )

i was hope my father could give me this song but it still it came from someone is important in my life. i think every time i felt down with my emotional and life i should listen to this song.right now, its not the right time for me to make a change? i have to change right now. and i can follow the advice to be relax and take it everything easy even bit hard. but i will try my best.

a father once a son before become a father. he know how hard to be a son if he is in his shoes. but mine are totally different and dont like to talk about it. my father is my father. he is what he is and i love the way he is. at age 77 he still there for me. thank you dad.

what son told there is right. its not easy to become a good son a or good person for someone else. its not easy. but i will…. thanks.

hugs and kisses

malam ni ibarat sebuah malam yang panjang. sehingga jam 3 pagi, mata aku masih segar luas memandang sambil fikiran merewang jauh mengingati setiap seribu satu perasaan dan emosi yang aku tempuh sepanjang malam ini.

aku duduk bersama iena, bercerita tentang kisah yang lalu. yang telah lama dan jauh aku tinggalkan. iena cuba mengungkit kembali dan mencari kepastian pada aku. setelah hampir 5 tahun aku diamkan dan pendamkan dari sesiapa. menyimpan seorang diri aku terfikir, adakah sudah tiba masanya mulut aku dibuka dan meluahkan apa yang terbuku di dalam hati aku selama 5 tahun ini? kerana kisah ini lah aku membawa diri jauh dan berdiam diri dalam masa tempoh yang panjang. adakah dengan aku membuka mulut pada iena semua ini akan berbaloi. aku takpasti. aku hampir saja membuka mulut. tapi disebabkan aku menghormati dan tidak mahu lagi mengenangkan apa yang dah berlaku, aku diamkan sahaja. atau adakah aku maish belum bersedia lagi. aku buat keputusan, tetap terus berdiam dan memendam sahaja. maaf. ini adalah keputusan aku.

remain silence is the best way for me and like i said before, im still not ready to make nice.sorry.

lewat malam tetap berterusan tapi tidak pada aku. aku duduk bersama lan. bercerita tentang kisah cinta, sayang, kawan dan masa hadapan. banyak yang dungkapkan. aku makin kenal lan. bila berbicara dengan dia, ibarat aku bercakap pada cermin. lantunan imej yang serupa. lan seakan mengerti dan memahami situasi aku. sudah semestinya lan sudah melaluinya sebelum aku lalui. aku rase sangat bersyukur saat ini ada seorang teman yang memahami situasi aku. yang bisa menjadi pendengar aku bagi mengadu keluh kesah ku. aku terfikir, adakah bila kawan yang pergi akan diganti dengan kawan yang lain. barangkali benar. kami rancak berbicara dan membuka kisah yang terbuku. satu per satu diselak dan di fahami. aku rasa lebih lega dan tenang.

there’s a tick line between love and hate.

aku resah saat jam waktu diantara 11.30 malam sehingga 12.30 malam. tapi resah aku ini tidak dihargai. adakah bila kita terllau mangambil berat akan perihal seseorang itu, ianya akan merimaskan pihak yang lagi satu? entah lah… setidaknya tunjukkan lah sedikit rasa penghargaan kepada aku. mungkin tidur yang secukupnya adalah lebih sempurna dan diperlukan daripada menunjukkan rase penghargaan di atas apa yang aku ambil berat pada dia. entahlah… aku jadi makin serabut bila fikirkan pasal dia.

being love and loved someone else is the greatest thing in life.